Not Giving Up


I normally share my experiences once I’ve gotten through them. My belief was that I rather share as a sign of hope for anyone who may be reading and is going through the same thing than to just put my personal experiences out there just for the sake of it. Most of the time, especially with fertility, you need to get through the situation first before you become vocal or even comfortable sharing anything on it. Today, I’m switching it up. I feel like this specific chapter has come to an end and I can share about it as I prepare to move on to the next. Sort of like, off to film my next season and then I’ll fill you in. It won’t be a long wait like next year’s Game of Thrones though, I’ll be back before that!

At the end of last year, I shared with a select few that I’d like to have another baby as soon as possible. I was ready. I love the baby stage! This toddler life is funny as hell and sometimes challenging (especially with food), but I just wanted to raise my little ones and get them off to school etc. and start doing something for myself.
We had two frozen embryos at the end of my first IVF cycle. They were the strong ones that survived, and were told we didn’t have to transfer two at a time like we did for Kai and hope that one would work, but we would be able to do one at a time – potentially two more kids. I was also told I can try to do it naturally according to my cycle. This meant only two medications were needed and very few doctor appointments. I also wanted to go this route to see if it would increase my chances of breastfeeding since I wasn’t able to produce much, if any, milk with Kai.
In February we tried, and it failed. I assumed that with purchasing the new house, my body was under more stress than I realized and, we also found out before the start of frustrating delays after delays with closing on the house. I thought it was a blessing. You know, like, better for it to happen now, than to find out you’re pregnant then miscarry due to the stress of everything. So we (mostly me) took a break. Settled into the new house and waited for my cycle at the end of April to try a natural again. By the second ultrasound we didn’t move forward because the conditions weren’t right for transferring an embryo.
By now, this is starting to get a little frustrating. You can’t help but feel like your body is just letting you down time after time. First you can’t get pregnant naturally, but on the bright side you’re successful after you’re first round of IVF. Then you attempt two natural cycles and it’s a subconscious reminder that you’re body is failing you again.
So we opted for a medicated cycle. This meant completely shutting down my cycle by going on the pill, then doing injections and then taking 2 sets of medications 3 times a day, all while caring for a toddler. I was very hesitant at first because I thought a lot more would be required of me and I didn’t really want that Kai had to see me doing injections. I managed to hide those from him and other things.
I was hopeful. IVF worked, so maybe the medicated process is what my body needs. There was also that higher chance of it working because you have more control over everything. Only, it didn’t. And that’s where we are today. On Thursday, I got the call that I was pregnant but my nurse was weary as my hCG levels (the pregnancy hormone) were low. They’d like it to be 50 or higher and it was 21. I was to go back in on Sunday and have it checked again in hopes that it doubled. It didn’t. It dropped to 8.
I know my body. I knew it hadn’t worked. I tried hard to stay optimistic. I tried. Hard. Deep down inside I knew, and on Friday night I told my husband we’re not having a baby. I hoped I was wrong but there was no denying it. There are pros and cons to being very in tuned to your body…
So here we are again. Another round of IVF will have to be done. When we knew we had 2 embryos left after Kai, I thought 3 kids would be amazing. I love kids. I love Kai. And I can’t wait to bring another little human into this world. I WILL bring another little human into this world. Not sure if it’ll be two more or just one, but there will be another.
I’ve always had a dream of publishing my own book, no time set on that, but more than anything, I want to fulfill what I feel is my true calling of being a mother to several little minis of my husband and myself.
Some might think this is the time to pause and take a long break and regroup. For me, I need to fight while I still have a fight left in me. While I still know that I will not give up on the one thing that is my heart’s desire. Plus, everywhere has Zika so unless I’m flying to cold Europe or Alaska, where can I really vacation without putting myself at risk to get it?! Then they’ll tell me to wait even longer before trying. Uhhh… no thanks!
I won’t post on this again until I have been successful, and trust that I will let you know once 12 weeks have passed. If you know someone who’s on the verge of giving up, or not sure of what to do next, just let them know they have your support and to follow their gut feeling. People who haven’t dealt with infertility have no idea the emotional attachment that goes into the physical work of it all, and the last thing they need is input from someone who really doesn’t know. So just be there, even if it’s in silence. Also, take a cue from them. If they seem to have their shit together, just ask if they’re ok, and if they say yes, leave it there. Don’t push and prod. They probably just finally got their shit together and you’re putting them on the verge of losing it again!
p.s. I’m doing fine. I’ve got an amazing husband and support system. I’ve shed my tears and I can’t mope on the past. So I’m moving forward with a joyful heart for what I do have and hope. LOTS of hope. And my Kai 🙂
x

C-Sections


I think by now you’ve realized that this is more a mom blog than lifestyle blog. It’s just that parenting has become my lifestyle and is something I’m all about sharing. I don’t think I ever shared my birth story but I had a natural birth and if you want to hear about it and me playing the Lion King song… let me know below.

Recently, my friend wrote about her C-section experience for her friend and shared it with me. Naturally, I asked if I could share it here, and she said yes!! I’ve edited it to take out a few personal bits and generalized it since I don’t know what anyone is having. And if you’re having a boy, seeing “she/her” all the time would be annoying lol. I don’t think I could’ve had a better person write and share their experience because she has definitely lightened the mood if you were having one and are worried.

Enough small talk. Enjoy…

C-Sections – as told by Sabrina 🙂

There are so many things that I wish I had known going in, so I’d love to pass this stuff on. Especially, because it isn’t going to be written on the interwebs.

Prep for you

* If it’s something that you care about; clean the house now because you literally can’t for 6 weeks. 

* Get large pads! You’ll still bleed even though it wasn’t a vaginal birth.

* Buy the biggest underwear you can get!! I ended up cutting the (fuck I don’t know what the word is…) strap thingy on top that holds them up. It would constrain my innards and mess with my incision. 

* Put on bed sheets that you don’t care about, just in case. 

C-Section

Are you going to go into labor first, or will they induce on a specific day? I can explain the process if it’s labor, but if you’re just going in then here’s what will happen.

* You’ll get an epidural. You’ll bend forward and usually be facing your husband who WILL HOLD YOUR HAND! They numb you first. That needle is surprising and isn’t pleasant. Then they stick the tube in that delivers medicine. The tube will stay in you until after the surgery. I actually You-tubed the procedure to know what to expect.

* Your husband will put on scrubs, you’ll get a hat, and have to take a shot of gross orange stuff. They’ll also shave your bikini line. The incision is much lower than you’d expect! 

– At this point, I was shaking uncontrollably. I’m sure it was the adrenaline. Just the thought of actually having a baby was really hitting me and I was super excited and scared. My teeth kept chattering. I bit my tongue so much to try and stop it. Know that this can happen. 

* Nurses will lift you onto a gurney and roll you into the OR. It’s bright, white, cold and full of people staring at you naked. You won’t care.

* They’ll set you up on the table and start prepping the room. They’ll give your husband a seat by your head. Your arms will be spread out like Jesus. The anesthesiologist will be right there, pumping you up with drugs. Keep telling them to do more if you even feel the slightest bit of them pinching! 

* When you confirm that you can’t feel anything, they will start. It takes a little bit, because there are a lot more layers on your innards than you’d expect. 

Eventually, they’ll reach in and pull out baby! You can breathe again – holy shit!! You don’t get to see them yet though. They will take the baby to check vitals and get cleaned up. Your husband will be called to meet the baby, cut the cord, take pictures, etc. Then they’ll bring them back for you to meet. It’s the most surreal thing you can imagine. 

Overall, the surgery takes about 30-45 minutes. When you’re done you go back into the recovery room for about an hour and a half, after which they transfer you to a much smaller room.

Hospital Stay for you

* They’ll keep telling you that it’s important to sleep. But there will be someone in the room with you once every hour. Whether it’s for testing you or your child. That first night, you won’t sleep at all. And you’ll want to murder everyone. Not much you can do about it.

* Unfortunately, one of the tests for you is to press on your belly (a few times a day) to make sure you’re healing up correctly. It sucks balls. But the pain goes away quickly and you can keep pressing your awesome pain meds button to up the dose. 

* Nurses will make you stand up quicker than you’d want to and believe you’re capable of. But you have to do it! If anything, you have to try. 

* I was so drugged that I’m not sure when I was able to get the catheter and IV out. All I remember is that I had a goal of getting to the bathroom and peeing 3 times in order for me to get one of them out. For the catheter removal, take a deep breath and exhale. It’s just heeby jeebies, not pain. And I didn’t know that the IV isn’t a needle but a little tube; just like the epidural. So it’s not painful if you bend your hand.

* The hospital gave me a spray bottle to fill with warm water and aim at my nethers in order to pee and not be in pain. Luckily, it’s not as bad as it could have been with a vaginal delivery. Pooping, will take a while, even for those of us with IBS. The drugs they give you stop you up. Don’t push it though. Literally. Don’t strain.

* Before you go, they’ll take out the staples in your incision. I was terrified. It isn’t that bad. Just have a normal chat with your husband as a distraction.

Hospital Stay for baby

* Baby will get a bath, and you’ll be taught how to do this.

* Nurses will also show you how to swaddle and change a diaper.

* There will be a hearing test that usually takes 5 minutes, but the baby must be awake for it.

* They do heel pokes to draw blood. The blood spots will go onto pieces of paper to conduct tests. They’ll need several of these. They will cry and your heart will break. 

* If you want me to tell you about jaundice procedures, let me know. Logan had it.

Checking out of the hospital

Ask the nurses for things before you go. More pads (they’re like diapers) and the mesh undies. I can’t stress enough, how much I loved the undies!!

* I’m not sure how your hospital does it, but if it’s anything like my experience, you’ll need to complete a checklist. This will include seeing you and testing you on your car seat. So figure that shit out before you go in. You’ll need to pack baby in super tight! 

Recovery

It is very important to heed the doctor’s advice – DON’T DO ANYTHING!! You can take care of and hold your child, but that’s it. No cleaning, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, bending over unless absolutely necessary, etc. Walk slowly and only in your house. Don’t leave your house. Don’t use stairs unless you have to (I have 16 to get up to my place. I didn’t leave for 2 weeks).

You will be so fucking frustrated that you can’t do anything because some days you feel like you can. But you will pay for that dearly! So don’t even be tempted! 

They probably won’t prescribe you enough pain pills. So make sure you set up a follow up appointment before they go away. You’ll have to go back in, but they will give you more. 

Speaking of pills, you’ll have lots to take. Make a chart so you don’t forget any. You need to take all of them to heal. I had to set my alarm for some in the middle of the night – not like you’ll really be sleeping at first anyways. 

There’s a 6 week checkup and they’ll give you the go ahead to have sex and resume activities. LOLOLOL!! You’ll still need time. I say 8 weeks before you can actually walk at a normal pace. And have lube for sex. Even with a C-section, your junk is messed up and dry. 

I think I felt worlds better by 10 weeks. That’s sleeping on my stomach, ability to jog, carry groceries, Rufio (dog), bend over, do laundry – everything. 

The only lasting effects I have are some tenderness on my underbelly (you’ll have a deflated basketball belly after the baby comes out) and numbness on my scar (apparently that’s normal and will last forever).

I know it’s a lot to take in (that’s what she said) but you’ll have your baby with you the whole time and they’ll be a great distraction! 

 

The Sleep Debate


We moved Kai to his room around 7 months. It would’ve been sooner but my husband was traveling for work for a few days and I didn’t want to deal with the transition alone so we waited until after. I told my husband it was his job as I couldn’t deal with the crying etc. On the first night I barged into the room, took Kai up and rocked him to sleep. Up until February, the rocking to sleep continued every night unless my husband was the one that put him down for the night. We shifted to sitting on the floor but still nestled in mummy’s arms to go to sleep.

Over the months he’s gotten bigger and heavier. The cradling positions have gotten awkward but it’s what he loves to do to go to sleep. I’ve always called him a “cuddler” because he really loves a cuddle to go to sleep.

The great debate comes when there are some nights when he doesn’t want to go to sleep and takes forever. This usually happens when I have things I want to get done before I go to bed. So there is frustration on my part and excitement on his. On those nights I wished we’d sleep trained him and I could put him down and walk out the room… but only on those nights.

Other nights, he hugs me to sleep. There’s nothing that melts my heart more than when he wraps his little chunky wrist around my neck as if to say “I love you mummy, don’t put me down please” or “I hope this makes up for the day I gave you”. The latter would be nice if he hugged me to sleep on days when he was a handful! My battle comes when I think, he won’t want to do this in the near future, so should I cherish it and enjoy it? Or am I creating a lasting habit of not being able to fall asleep at night on his own?

I’m trying not to read into it too much but I can’t help but think of what it could mean or what’s the next step instead of just living in the moment…