What Is Your Role?


Just hear me out…

I am *tired* of seeing quotes, statuses, videos and rants about what men and women should be. Half the time it’s a single person speaking their mind and a ton of other single or broken hearted people “liking” and sharing these quotes.

Call me old fashioned and still a newly wed but here’s my view:

When you enter a relationship *NEVER* expect that person to automatically change for you. You are two totally different people with personalities that have meshed. Any changes that need to be made for the relationship to work, will come naturally or you both work towards it if you really want it to progress.

This shit about a role of a woman and a role of a man being laid out like it’s the law is BS. B-S!! You both assess what you’re bringing to the table and you find a way to compromise and make it work. You appreciate what the other is bringing and you lift each other up where the other is lacking in a LOVING way. You do not belittle the other person because you only push them away.

Relationships are a lifetime work-in-progress. Life changes and so do you. You grow together and if that’s not possible keep trying until you’ve exhausted all of your options. You should never be the same person you were 5 years ago. If you are, go out some big girl panties/briefs on and GROW UP.

First Year of Marriage


I am sorry if I’ve been neglecting this blog. I feel like it’s doing OK on it’s own and I can devote a little more time to my other blog to get it on it’s feet. As usual I write when I feel inclined to share my views on something that is knocking on the door to my mind.

I am baffled by the fact that Bravo is doing a show on whether or not people will make it through the first year of marriage. The first year of marriage is so critical that I feel like they’re making a mockery of it. Furthermore, it’s supposed to be one of the happiest years! Yes there is some adjustment involved but I personally don’t think it’s something that people should sign up for if there are any doubts about their marriage. There are a few things that I know made mine lovely.

Therapy

I am Catholic and one of the requirements prior to getting married was therapy. There were several things about these sessions that have stuck with me to this day and also changed the way I approach my marriage. One of the most critical issues that was addressed during therapy was my husband’s career and the way it will affect our marriage. Luckily for us, we saw a therapist who saw a lot of couples married to people who work at Microsoft, Google and other tech companies in the area. In short, programmers and night owls, and when they’re in the zone, they are in the zone. They don’t know when to stop and leave home (if they’re working on something prior to attending a dinner or something). Basically, you have to know what you’re getting into. If you’re young, be aware of budding careers. Be aware that if you find yourself always concerned with work, when you aren’t working, to make sure you give your partner some attention and let them know how much you appreciate them. It will always be a work in progress and that is what marriage is – a work in progress.

Therapy is good throughout marriage as well. I have made it a point to try to play therapist within my marriage and go out on a limb and ask stuff or address issues that I think would go over with a third party present who has an unbiased opinion. I also let my husband know it’s a discussion so we will talk and respect each other’s decisions.

You get nothing resolved and your point is lost when there is a screaming match. Speak in calm tones and be reasonable. Listen to each other.

Get Away!

As hard as it was to be so far away from my family, being away from them was also critical to building a good foundation for my marriage. And it’s not only me! I also have two friends who said the same thing. Being away from all of the people giving their opinions about what you should or shouldn’t do, giving their opinions on a little quarrel you two might have had, is important. Piece of advice – IT’S YOUR MARRIAGE! THEY ARE NOT IN IT SO THEY DO NOT HAVE ANY INPUT IN ANYTHING! Your husband’s mother can’t tell you how you should’ve handled a situation because he is not in the same relationship with her as he is with you. My mother can’t tell him how to deal with something I did because I don’t respond the same way to her as I do to him. You get what I’m saying? Always welcome advice, but at the end of the day, make your final decisions based on the person you know as your partner, not what others think or have heard because there is always three sides to a story – your version, his version and the truth (don’t remember where I heard that but I’m not claiming it). If you can’t move too far away, keep your business to yourself. Having all of your business out there and everyone giving their two cents doesn’t make anything easier for you. Keep it between you and your partner. If you really need to share or offload, make sure you can trust that person and let them know up front if you’re just offloading or if you actually want their advice. Unwanted/unwelcomed advice is never a good thing. When all else fails…

Travel

We went on our honeymoon about 6 months after we got married and that made a huge difference for us. It was something we were looking forward to after winter and it was going to be an “adventure” for both of us. I’ve been pleading with my husband to return to Maui since. Not only because I loved it, it was somewhere we’d never been before and it was just us. Every trip we’ve been on since, we’ve known somewhere there. A getaway is major because it gives you that chance to go back to the beginning. Take at least 4 days to go somewhere away from everything, everyone, no phones (unless you need directions or food options/reviews) and just enjoy each other’s company. In other words, get time away to discuss any issues you’ve had/ are having (this seems to be handled better outside of the home) and get your groove back at the same time ;).

David and I at our hotel's Luau - 2010
David and I at our hotel’s Luau – 2010

I could go on for the whole night but it’s getting late. I’ve just found those few to be very critical for my first year. I don’t know if I want to watch the show yet but from the trailers, I don’t feel good about it. What are your thoughts on getting through the first year of marriage? What about 5 years? I’d love to hear, I’m approaching 4 this year. I’d love to hear your views in general so please leave some below in the comments.

xx