Not Giving Up

I normally share my experiences once I’ve gotten through them. My belief was that I rather share as a sign of hope for anyone who may be reading and is going through the same thing than to just put my personal experiences out there just for the sake of it. Most of the time, especially with fertility, you need to get through the situation first before you become vocal or even comfortable sharing anything on it. Today, I’m switching it up. I feel like this specific chapter has come to an end and I can share about it as I prepare to move on to the next. Sort of like, off to film my next season and then I’ll fill you in. It won’t be a long wait like next year’s Game of Thrones though, I’ll be back before that!

At the end of last year, I shared with a select few that I’d like to have another baby as soon as possible. I was ready. I love the baby stage! This toddler life is funny as hell and sometimes challenging (especially with food), but I just wanted to raise my little ones and get them off to school etc. and start doing something for myself.
We had two frozen embryos at the end of my first IVF cycle. They were the strong ones that survived, and were told we didn’t have to transfer two at a time like we did for Kai and hope that one would work, but we would be able to do one at a time – potentially two more kids. I was also told I can try to do it naturally according to my cycle. This meant only two medications were needed and very few doctor appointments. I also wanted to go this route to see if it would increase my chances of breastfeeding since I wasn’t able to produce much, if any, milk with Kai.
In February we tried, and it failed. I assumed that with purchasing the new house, my body was under more stress than I realized and, we also found out before the start of frustrating delays after delays with closing on the house. I thought it was a blessing. You know, like, better for it to happen now, than to find out you’re pregnant then miscarry due to the stress of everything. So we (mostly me) took a break. Settled into the new house and waited for my cycle at the end of April to try a natural again. By the second ultrasound we didn’t move forward because the conditions weren’t right for transferring an embryo.
By now, this is starting to get a little frustrating. You can’t help but feel like your body is just letting you down time after time. First you can’t get pregnant naturally, but on the bright side you’re successful after you’re first round of IVF. Then you attempt two natural cycles and it’s a subconscious reminder that you’re body is failing you again.
So we opted for a medicated cycle. This meant completely shutting down my cycle by going on the pill, then doing injections and then taking 2 sets of medications 3 times a day, all while caring for a toddler. I was very hesitant at first because I thought a lot more would be required of me and I didn’t really want that Kai had to see me doing injections. I managed to hide those from him and other things.
I was hopeful. IVF worked, so maybe the medicated process is what my body needs. There was also that higher chance of it working because you have more control over everything. Only, it didn’t. And that’s where we are today. On Thursday, I got the call that I was pregnant but my nurse was weary as my hCG levels (the pregnancy hormone) were low. They’d like it to be 50 or higher and it was 21. I was to go back in on Sunday and have it checked again in hopes that it doubled. It didn’t. It dropped to 8.
I know my body. I knew it hadn’t worked. I tried hard to stay optimistic. I tried. Hard. Deep down inside I knew, and on Friday night I told my husband we’re not having a baby. I hoped I was wrong but there was no denying it. There are pros and cons to being very in tuned to your body…
So here we are again. Another round of IVF will have to be done. When we knew we had 2 embryos left after Kai, I thought 3 kids would be amazing. I love kids. I love Kai. And I can’t wait to bring another little human into this world. I WILL bring another little human into this world. Not sure if it’ll be two more or just one, but there will be another.
I’ve always had a dream of publishing my own book, no time set on that, but more than anything, I want to fulfill what I feel is my true calling of being a mother to several little minis of my husband and myself.
Some might think this is the time to pause and take a long break and regroup. For me, I need to fight while I still have a fight left in me. While I still know that I will not give up on the one thing that is my heart’s desire. Plus, everywhere has Zika so unless I’m flying to cold Europe or Alaska, where can I really vacation without putting myself at risk to get it?! Then they’ll tell me to wait even longer before trying. Uhhh… no thanks!
I won’t post on this again until I have been successful, and trust that I will let you know once 12 weeks have passed. If you know someone who’s on the verge of giving up, or not sure of what to do next, just let them know they have your support and to follow their gut feeling. People who haven’t dealt with infertility have no idea the emotional attachment that goes into the physical work of it all, and the last thing they need is input from someone who really doesn’t know. So just be there, even if it’s in silence. Also, take a cue from them. If they seem to have their shit together, just ask if they’re ok, and if they say yes, leave it there. Don’t push and prod. They probably just finally got their shit together and you’re putting them on the verge of losing it again!
p.s. I’m doing fine. I’ve got an amazing husband and support system. I’ve shed my tears and I can’t mope on the past. So I’m moving forward with a joyful heart for what I do have and hope. LOTS of hope. And my Kai 🙂

Pregnancy: Weight + Food

Due to the nausea that kicked in exactly at the beginning of week 6 of my pregnancy, as well as treatment prior to getting pregnant, by the end of the first trimester, I’d lost almost 10lbs. I saw this as a buffer for that 25-30/35lb weight gain that was considered healthy for my size. My eating was sketchy up until week 14/15 of pregnancy.

Smoothies were the one thing that would stay down, was easy and quick to make but I HAD to have greek yogurt in it. Greek yogurt was my source of protein and if I had anything to eat in the first trimester without protein, I’d instantly get dizzy, lightheaded or even more nauseas than I was before. I’d also gone off vegetables from day 1. Most of my meals consisted of a palmful of a carb and an equal or more portion of meat. I needed lots of protein to feel good. I’m 2 days shy of 31 weeks and I still require protein shortly after eating a carb but I don’t need it immediately with a carb.

MmmmMmm Fruit!
This morning’s fruit. I stole the watermelon from my husband that’s why there’s so little and I hate bananas chopped. Random Fact: I don’t like my food touching. I will separate it if it is.

Since I transferred to my OB around week 11, I’ve only put on 23lbs. At first weight gain was very slow or wasn’t present but I managed to put on 9lbs between Thanksgiving and the first week of January. While home, my breakfast is either a smoothie, or some kind of egg meal. My favorite has become one hardboiled egg, bathed in salt with a slice of buttered toast. I was eating two eggs and two slices of bread before but I realized that I felt sick if I ate all within 15 minutes so I decided to cut back to one each. I usually take my prenatal vitamins right after. Now that I’m getting further along, and wanting more to eat, I try to have my juice, fruit and breakfast but spaced out with at least half hour in between each.

From our stay in London in December, I’ve been trying to have a glass of orange juice (mixed with water to reduce acidity) every morning before I start my meals. I didn’t want to be taking extra vitamins all the time on top of my prenatal vitamins, and people over there do not cover their faces when they cough or sneeze, so I was not looking to have a cold on vacation. It’s amazing that throughout this pregnancy, I’ve only had pregnancy rhinitis and not a cold. Even though, with a cold, at least I’d know when it would be over. I actually crave fruit sometimes but I can’t have too much fruit because it sends the little one into overdrive, not fun for me, so I follow up by drinking water to ease it the sugar rush.

I was always a snacker, however, not know what you want to snack on could decrease that tendency. My cupboard would become full of one-off cravings and some of those cravings even left me feeling sick after. Frosted Flakes gave me a terrible headache and Lucky Charms made me feel a bit nauseas. But you better believe I’d sent my husband to the supermarket for them at least once to fulfill that craving. Speaking of cravings, I don’t think I’ve had a consistent one. Most of the time when I crave something, I eat it once or twice and move on. I hope this doesn’t have much to say for the little one.

Oh btw, did I say we’re having a boy!? Yes, he’s quite the little rebel already so I can’t wait to see his personality outside of the womb. You can check my other blog here to see my other two pregnancy related posts as I haven’t been posting that often.

My doctor expects me to gain another 10lbs which would put me just under the 35lb healthy weight gain max, but I think I’ll make the 35lbs now that I’m on modified bed rest. I also thought I’d be eating a lot more not running around doing stuff but I’m drinking more water than anything. A word to all you mothers: drinking water, as annoying as the bathroom stops make it, actually helps decrease any cramping you may be feeling. I had one day where I felt awful and I realized it was the one day I didn’t have a water bottle at my side. Even at home I fill one to make sure I’m drinking constantly and staying hydrated. You don’t have to be drinking water but staying hydrated is definitely very important. I wanted to purchase Depends at one point and figure out how to get stylish maternity diapers on the market, but I kind of like having to force myself from one spot all the time to keep circulation going.

I’m also not supposed to be cooking but let’s face it, you don’t tell a pregnant woman in her third trimester, she can’t cook especially if she’s not used to eating a lot of takeout. My husband works and I can’t expect him to drop everything and bring me meals when I want and I won’t always want a sandwich or fruit to snack on. Yesterday morning, I made a pot of Squash soup and put the majority of it in the freezer and later in the evening I made a pork roast with potatoes. Both meals required less than half an hour prep so I wasn’t on my feet for very long and I also managed to have two sets of food that last past one day.

I’m really hoping any extra weight slides off quickly after I’ve given birth. I’m very determined to not let it linger, and my trainer won’t have any of that either. I want to feel energized and ready for a little boy full of energy. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such motivation. My husband is a playful teaser as well so I know he will also be a push to get back in shape. I’ve basically got 9 weeks left, I’m still getting ready for the little one and I’m trying to stay healthy while on bed rest. Here’s a to a safe delivery and not losing my way in the fridge closer to the end :).