Not Giving Up

At the end of last year, I shared with a select few that I’d like to have another baby as soon as possible. I was ready. I love the baby stage! This toddler life is funny as hell and sometimes challenging (especially with food), but I just wanted to raise my little ones and get them off to school etc. and start doing something for myself.

We had two frozen embryos at the end of my first IVF cycle. They were the strong ones that survived, and were told we didn’t have to transfer two at a time like we did for Kai and hope that one would work, but we would be able to do one at a time – potentially two more kids. I was also told I can try to do it naturally according to my cycle. This meant only two medications were needed and very few doctor appointments. I also wanted to go this route to see if it would increase my chances of breastfeeding since I wasn’t able to produce much, if any, milk with Kai.

In February we tried, and it failed. I assumed that with purchasing the new house, my body was under more stress than I realized and, we also found out before the start of frustrating delays after delays with closing on the house. I thought it was a blessing. You know, like, better for it to happen now, than to find out you’re pregnant then miscarry due to the stress of everything. So we (mostly me) took a break. Settled into the new house and waited for my cycle at the end of April to try a natural again. By the second ultrasound we didn’t move forward because the conditions weren’t right for transferring an embryo.

By now, this is starting to get a little frustrating. You can’t help but feel like your body is just letting you down time after time. First you can’t get pregnant naturally, but on the bright side you’re successful after you’re first round of IVF. Then you attempt two natural cycles and it’s a subconscious reminder that you’re body is failing you again.

So we opted for a medicated cycle. This meant completely shutting down my cycle by going on the pill, then doing injections and then taking 2 sets of medications 3 times a day, all while caring for a toddler. I was very hesitant at first because I thought a lot more would be required of me and I didn’t really want that Kai had to see me doing injections. I managed to hide those from him and other things.

I was hopeful. IVF worked, so maybe the medicated process is what my body needs. There was also that higher chance of it working because you have more control over everything. Only, it didn’t. And that’s where we are today. On Thursday, I got the call that I was pregnant but my nurse was weary as my hCG levels (the pregnancy hormone) were low. They’d like it to be 50 or higher and it was 21. I was to go back in on Sunday and have it checked again in hopes that it doubled. It didn’t. It dropped to 8.

I know my body. I knew it hadn’t worked. I tried hard to stay optimistic. I tried. Hard. Deep down inside I knew, and on Friday night I told my husband we’re not having a baby. I hoped I was wrong but there was no denying it. There are pros and cons to being very in tuned to your body…

So here we are again. Another round of IVF will have to be done. When we knew we had 2 embryos left after Kai, I thought 3 kids would be amazing. I love kids. I love Kai. And I can’t wait to bring another little human into this world. I WILL bring another little human into this world. Not sure if it’ll be two more or just one, but there will be another.

I’ve always had a dream of publishing my own book, no time set on that, but more than anything, I want to fulfill what I feel is my true calling of being a mother to several little minis of my husband and myself.

Some might think this is the time to pause and take a long break and regroup. For me, I need to fight while I still have a fight left in me. While I still know that I will not give up on the one thing that is my heart’s desire. Plus, everywhere has Zika so unless I’m flying to cold Europe or Alaska, where can I really vacation without putting myself at risk to get it?! Then they’ll tell me to wait even longer before trying. Uhhh… no thanks!

I won’t post on this again until I have been successful, and trust that I will let you know once 12 weeks have passed. If you know someone who’s on the verge of giving up, or not sure of what to do next, just let them know they have your support and to follow their gut feeling. People who haven’t dealt with infertility have no idea the emotional attachment that goes into the physical work of it all, and the last thing they need is input from someone who really doesn’t know. So just be there, even if it’s in silence. Also, take a cue from them. If they seem to have their shit together, just ask if they’re ok, and if they say yes, leave it there. Don’t push and prod. They probably just finally got their shit together and you’re putting them on the verge of losing it again!

p.s. I’m doing fine. I’ve got an amazing husband and support system. I’ve shed my tears and I can’t mope on the past. So I’m moving forward with a joyful heart for what I do have and hope. LOTS of hope. And my Kai 🙂

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